Every single day, for several hours out of the day, this question plagues my thoughts. I said a few posts ago that we finally made an appointment with Nashville Fertility. It's right around the corner, and I am more scared and nervous then I've ever been about anything in my entire life. So much so, that every single day I have to talk myself into not cancelling the appointment. I think I'm totally a freak of nature - no one else seems to think going to the RE is a bad thing. And I don't either really. At the end of the day, it puts us one step closer to having a baby! But even that hasn't been comforting to me. What if the doctor tells us that something major is wrong that can't be fixed? What if he tells us we can't have a baby? What if he makes me feel bad or embarrassed? What if we don't "click"? I just have so many questions running through my mind....
Ever since making the appointment, I've been a little sad, too. I feel like I'm admitting defeat in a way. Admitting that I'm broken and can't do what I should be able to do. I always dreamt of conceiving my baby in a sweet, intimate moment with Josh, in the privacy of our home; instead, I'm putting that dream in the hands of a total stranger, hoping he can help us conceive. I think maybe that whole lack of control is what is making me so uneasy. For so long now, I've been in control. I no longer get hopeful each month, I rarely test, and when I do and it's negative, it's not a big deal because I am never prepared for it to be anything else. But now, now I feel like I'm fighting against being hopeful again. I don't want to be vulnerable to that emotion, but it's impossible not to be when visiting someone whose sole purpose is to make me pregnant. I'm scared to go through a month of treatment, just to find out it didn't work. And I'm scared to expose Josh to that. I feel like I've sortof been "protecting" him from all of this for so long, because I try not to be so let down in front of him. But now, since he'll be at the doctor with me, and involved, I know he will be vulnerable to that hurt, too.
Having said all of that, one of these days when I'm rocking my precious baby to sleep, I know that all of this pain, and wishing, and hoping - it will all be worth it. And I think that is what pushes me to go forward, no matter how scared I may be of the unknown.
Lord, I pray that you would cover us in peace, in the midst of all of this anxiety. Give us wisdom to make wise decisions, and be there to shower us in comfort if/when the time comes....
2 days ago
I noticed your comment on my blog and had to check out yours :) Take heart. There were so many many days when I felt this way when we were trying. It took all together 18 cycles of "trying" and I felt the same way when we finally decided to see a specialist. The doctor told us our chances of conceiving on our own without any intervention were slim in his opinion but he gave us options as as we prepared to pursue those options we kept trying. That was the month I got pregnant with our little miracle man. God can do anything! Especially when you arent expecting it :)Good luck at your appointment. Dont be nervous because it is all in Gods hand anyways!
ReplyDeleteHey Girl! Thank you for your comment. I will be praying for you to have peace too. I just wanted to offer you a little encouragement:
ReplyDeleteAll of those feelings you are having are perfectly normal. You aren't "broken" or a "freak of nature" in any way. And, I went to an RE who told me "it will never happen." We were actually told that the only way we would be parents is if we use donor eggs because my eggs were so poor quality. That was indeed very devestating news. However, I never lost hope...I never stopped praying...and God intervened. Ultimately, He can do anything He wants, whenever He wants. And although you don't understand this journey now, in hindsight you will look back and thank God for it.
Only you can do what is right for you. If you aren't ready to see an RE you don't have to. However, with that said, I think if you cancel it the "not knowing" is going to be worse than going to the appointment. I wish I could take this burden from you, but I can't...but I will join you in praying your way through it!
Love ya!
Obviously I can't really know how you feel, but I can imagine how freaked out I would be if it was me. Maybe getting past that first appointment will help relieve some of the stress. Praying you have an awesome appointment and feel much better about everything after.
ReplyDelete- Jenn